wow, its been a really long time.

since then, i've been writing manually. just in random notebooks or pieces of binder paper, everytime something went ridiculously wrong, i would be writing. and people would know something was wrong, cos i only write when somethings wrong. putting all those writings into that red folder that i made to remember everything, especially the talks that i've had.
do i remember them? of course i do. but even after a year of all of that.. i still haven't been able to apply them.
i can't talk to people anymore. after everything that's happened, its so hard to open up. it did get alot easier, back in fall and winter and spring.. but now.. i just can't talk. i can't even write. well i'm writing/typing now but.. i doubt it'll have the effect it had on me months ago. writing just doesn't cut it.

for one, he spent a lot of time trying to help me put myself back together after summer ended last year. and he helped me get away from it all, giving me rides to wushu every time i needed to get away. always being there to listen when i needed to vent. he was the first person i was able to vent to comfortably in a long time, not holding anything back. and he had to work for it, dont get me wrong. it was hard, i know. cos i was so closed off. but he spent alot of time making sure that i knew he had my back, that i could trust him. and i did, i still do. i don't talk to him as much, because well.. some stuff that he's helped me with i've gone back to. and thats quite disappointing isnt it? what's wrong with me.. things used to be so intact and together, and now its just in pieces. and i can't go to him because.. well.. i derno. i feel like i've let him down.

two, he helped me when things fell apart at the beginning of this summer. trying to find out what happened, why i was like this, and what i wanted. i don't know what i want. and maybe thats why all that hard work was futile. i'll be honest, as much as it seems like things are okay, they're not. i don't see anyone outside of physics and wushu. and wushu, i can't be sad. i just cant. its probably because there, everything is different, its like a whole new world thats completely cut off from the problems that i have.. which are connected to school. so people don't really know whats wrong, because my friends barely see me, and wushu can't know. i'm pretty much fine at wushu, cos it takes me away. but everytime im at home, or somewhere else, things just come back. and i know its bad, im sure he's fed up with tryna figure things out with me. actually he is, cos we dont talk about that stuff anymore.

in the end, i chose wushu. wushu over him. and wushu comes with.. well.. whatever it comes with. and i'm not happy with it. i'm not complaining, because i made this decision. atleast i'm not really broken inside anymore, im just not happy with the decision i made, and what ive had to go through to figure all this out.

yummie :]

quote, unquote

"Sometimes we just can't control our feelings.  However, we can control our actions." -roadlesstaken@xanga.com

I can not agree with that more. You're right, you can't help who you fall for. You can't help how you feel. And like I've heard before, you're feelings aren't a lightswitch, you can't just turn them on and off. But you can control what you do, how you act, and how you deal with it. Whether its taking action, or silently fighting the internal battle, it's all in your control.

First week back to school since winterbreak ended. Today didn't seem like a friday, I derno why. I've been dead all week since my sleeping schedule was pretty messed up during break. But afterschool today I went to In&Out with Mary-Anne, Andrea, TQ, and Cecillia. It was nice hanging out with May, it's been so long. Updated her a bit, not really haha. We need a girls day :[ After I was ganna go hangout with Bran and Vince, but I was super tired so I napped. Headed to wushu, took it easy in class, then open gym. The new floor is open, its huge now! Worked on mostly btwist, a little bit of jump inside splits. No aerial.. I was super dead today though, mostly cos I ate pretty much only one meal and I was starving all of open gym. Daniel got his roundoff backtuck! Yayzies. Went home, ate, and here I am. Super bored, and not ready to sleep even though it's getting late and I have work tomorrow. Sucks butt, eh atleast I get to go to Orange Tree tomorrow, and lunch with Bran and maybe Vince. Something to look foward to.

happy belated new year!

i was supposed to write this post.. well before 2008 ended, cos i wanted to wrap everything up. but i didnt have time, with packing and getting ready for the trip to tahoe, and there was no internet, or service there. so here's my late new years post.

2008 was definately something [but i always say that to every year that passes by]. I can't really remember much, but there was some big events. my new years resolution, which.. i suppose got me nowhere in the long run. but i'm still proud of myself for taking that step. in the end it did make me a better person. i'm stronger, and i've learned from my mistakes. so thats what counts. the annual lunar show, always fun. or the overall emac shows. just working together, to put a show together, being on stage. its a natural high, the adrenaline. i love emac, i still wish justin was here, i think itd be so much better and more organized. my first berkeley tournament, which many of my competitors cheated on by not following the rules. me, christina, and elaine were supposed to take 1, 2, 3, but it didnt happen. overall, i loved going to berkeley, and thats one thing i'm super excited about this year. i'm so exciting to step back into the competition floor, and i love the feeling it gives me, whether i place or not. fourth of july at santa cruz, that definately was something. to see humongous fireworks over my head, fifty feet away.. it was unbelievable. "summer" overall was something. and no matter how much it hurt me after, i'm here now, stronger. and i'm glad that i went through that. i derno where i would be right now if it wasnt for that. and my weekend rituals, of working, eating, hanging out. events with my friends, i feel like we barely hangout anymore.

and of course, to end the year with a bang, the snowboarding trip with wushu. i've never been snowboarding before, so this was definately something exciting for me. i have seen snow before, but only scattered stuff in the woods. i got like one or two hours of sleep the night before, cos i had to wake up at 4am and get ready. me and eric left around 5:30am, and drove straight to tahoe. i didnt sleep on the way cos.. well i didnt wanna make eric feel like a driver haha. plus he might fall asleep too. we got to the rentals place at nine, cos we got lost, got our boards and boots, and headed to sierra. for some reason, seeing that much snow isnt as magnificant as i thought. it just seems so.. right haha. met up with everyone, and gary taught me the basics. i got heel siding pretty easily, but it hurts like a bitch to do that the whole way down the mountain. grand view for lunch, which i think is the highest point on the mountain. what i didnt like was being basically the only noobie there.. i hate having someone have to wait for me.. and going by myself haha. traffic home was bad, took us an hour and a half to get outta the resort. headed to the cabin, which was pretty cozy. not too big. had curry and rice for dinner, lindas a great cook :] played some games till the night, had vince fix my bindings, and slept around midnight. i had a hard time sleeping the first day haha, weird bed. wasnt too sore the next day, got toe siding with the help of linda. went to west bowl, its pretty nice over there. only.. its freaking steap for me. but i carved in the end, cos lin's an awesome carver teacher :D went to the market, bought pizza and had that for dinner. played mafia or something, whatever games. oh and thirteen for dares, lin had to sit on the snow couch in his boxers, alex had to lie facedown in the snow and stick his feet in the snow, bran had to lie facedown without a shirt. man.. funny stuff. me and eric basically owned all those thirteen games. later that night after them peoples took their shots of tequila for the new years, played the naked game. that game is super fun, i really like it. thirteen for shots.. guess who lost. slept at midnight, only lin, bran, eric and justin were outside till 4am making an igloo. they were loud, and when they got in i thought it was time to wakeup. man i hecka stood up ready to eat and stuff, it was lame. thursday, new years day, last day of snowboarding. we were a bit late, guess cos everyone was hungover.. saw kolina and her friends. headed up grandview with everyone, eventually it was just me, lin, and bran. did a few easy runs for me.. then waited till lunch. it was cold up on grandview, cos the storm was heading in. went down, everyone went to westbowl so i took suger n spice by myself for the last time. i made myself carve basically the whole way down, its nice having the control when your going fast :] i wanna snowboard more.. at night ate leftovers, watched some show about bizarre sports moments or something. that was hilarious. played mafia, man me and alex were mafia together three times. three freaking times! like back to back basically. i never hated being mafia so much before. i wanted to be detective so bad and give myself away lol. after a few people started drinking. i basically killed the T. we played scattergories, that was pretty fun. but dang, eric and justin are hilarious when their buzzed/drunk. when everyone went to sleep, or tried to sleep, eric, justin, and lin, along with me and kent, went outside. bran joined later. but their so funny when their out of it. some of the convos that went on.. "the number one animal causing death is.. deer ramming."*laughs* and peeing on the balcony, jeez.. haha theres so much stuff but its late and i cant recall. but eventually me and kent went to bed, and all the drunkies were left ouside [except bran who was sober.. but heh, he blends in] they went in like fifteen minutes later, justin kept bothering me while i tried to sleep. poking my face, sticking his feet in my blankets, crawling away. heard lin fell asleep on the toilet haha. everyone woke up around eight, cleaned the placed up, left around 9:30.. which was pretty sad. it was really fun staying with everyone<3 stopped by kents apartment in davis, then sushi.. nabu? for lunch. mm.. passed out in the car, got home at 3:30, and i actually unpacked right away for the first time in my life. sigh, next year.. we needa do this trip again.

i watched the spirit at 5pm, curry house at 7:30 and yogurtland after. it was basically the end of the winterbreak dinner haha. yogurtland after, left around 10:30 and a few of us headed to justin's for pingpong and pictures. i got home at midnight. got in trouble, but ohwell! break's ending, im not ganna stop myself from enjoying the last bits and pieces of it. tomorrow.. probably stay home and do the loads of homework packets i have. sigh.

i derno what to do anymore. i've learned to be indifferent, so whatever happens isnt ganna affect me anymore. but as may says "atleast you're not numb yet" and maybe i am numb now.. maybe this isnt so good. i guess, whatever happens, happens. what can i do. i'm not that strong enough to fight my heart. but anyway, its late, nighty's everyone. and happy belated new years.

           
*missing vince, alex lin, and melody

merry belated christmas!

ah, the day after christmas. its kinda sad, i've been looking foward to this holiday for the longest time [mostly cos of winterbreak hehe] and now it's over. everyone will soon be taking down their lights, their christmas trees, and decorations. how sad, i love christmas lights! no more holiday spirit. well i guess there's still some, due to new years coming up. but not as extravagant as christmas time. i didn't even get to go to christmas in the park this year. bleh

i'm coming back to milpitas today, i feel kinda sad leaving socal. it's always like this, i feel sad leaving milpitas, and somewhat dread going to socal, then when i get here, i don't really wanna leave. i'm currently at patrick's house, which i spent christmas eve and day here haha. yesterday we deep fried a turkey, which i havent had since i think 1999 or 2000 when i went to hawaii for thanksgiving [which was huge, basically our whole family was there, and there were TWO turkeys, one oven cooked and the other deep fried. that was probaby the best thanksgiving lunch/dinner i've ever had in my life] it was pretty good, so juicy. and we had mashed potatoes and corn, pecan pie. gah it was soo good. i got massive food coma after, for the first time. but i fought it. i almost passed out on the couch while somewhat watching the lakers game, WHICH THEY FREAKING PWNED. then patrick and i beat BFA in his nsnano challenge. yes, im freaking good luck. thats right bitch, if i wasnt here, you would have never beaten it, in the twenty something times that you tried :] i watched tropic thunder yesterday too, which was hilarious. then i passed out earlier than usual, maybe cos the last two days i got like five hours of sleep and the food coma. and my phone ran outta battery, i feel so naked.

whenever my dad decides to pick me up, i think imma go home and do some good therapy shopping. two story forever21! yay! then just relax until my flight :[ ugh, the day after christmas, i bet the airport is ganna be crowded like a freaking anthole. and when i land, i have to grab my bags and go straight to justin's dinner, which is at seven. sushi factory! GREEN TEA! maybe chill at his house later? mm maybe curry house and yogurtland with some wushu folks this weekend? and tuesday, im heading to tahoe with eric, and meeting like ten other people in our cabin. whoooo i'm so excited! i've never been snowboarding, let alone we're freaking renting a cabin, and spending it there during new years. this was definately one of the trips i've been looking foward to since summer [when vince and hannah planned it, but hannah cant go, that hobag!] too bad i'll miss dan's new year party this year.

i'll miss you tidus and cloud, and patrick :]! even though cloud is so scared of me still, that he pees when i try to pet him. he's the cuter one too, and he hates me :[ but tidus remembered me when i came! which was surprising cos i saw him when he was like eleven weeks and only for a few days. bye socal, see you.. summer